How to Take a Successful Bubble Bath (Playlist Included!)

Everyone hates on materialists, but a bubble bath is one aspect of a materialist’s obsessions that I promise will only benefit you. Not that everyone should take bubble baths every day, but taking a bubble bath just once will change your life…though indirectly, probably.

Bubble baths are decreasing in popularity because they are slightly detrimental to the environment, and they are considered somewhat unsanitary. Who likes soaking in their own filth? Still, I am an advocate of just one bubble bath. If you took a bubble bath so long ago that you can no longer recall the memory clearly, I urge you to take yet another bubble bath. The environment will forgive you.

Make sure your bathtub is clean and that your little bathtub stopper is in place. Run the water and make sure it’s i-will-melt-your-face-off hot, and I mean boiling hot. Lean over the tub for a few seconds and let the steam hug your face. Throw in a few special bubble bath soaps, bombs, salts, whatever floats your boat and keeps the skies clear.

When the boiling water has filled up the tub halfway, switch to bone-chilling-freezing water and let it fill up the rest of the tub. Chances are that the water is uncomfortably hot, even after the cold water has cancelled it out. When it’s bearable, tie up your hair and slip in to your new paradise.

Gather bubbles in your hands like they do in the movies and blow them playfully out of your palm. Watch them sparkle in the glow of your bathroom lights. Play around in the water a bit, lifting your limbs out and watching the soap gather on the sides of the tub. Try to avoid spilling, as sopping wet bath mats are not pleasant for warm and wrinkly toes.

You don’t need lights that dim or candles or rose petals to complete the experience. The bare necessities, baby…

Don’t even bother bringing a book. Let it be just you and your mind. No food, because crumbs will fall and turn into disgusting, soggy mush. The worst idea is to bring a phone, because this experience is supposed to relieve you of communication with the outside world. That, and the whole bath is ruined once your slippery fingers let the phone plunge into hot, soapy water. If you so desire, play a calming bubble bath playlist. If you’re unsure of how to create such a playlist, look to this article for guidance.

When you’re done acting like a five year old, lean back and ponder the existence of your life. What is the purpose of life, and why am I here? Am I going to be more productive tomorrow? Make an inspirational and motivational to-do list of unrealistic goals in your head, and forget about them as soon as you step out of the bathroom. Notice how your limbs feel weightless and how you move around in the water lethargically. Admire your wrinkled fingers and take note of just how warm your entire body is. Sing (or hum) along to the music and feel happy. Ignore the passing of time for once, and stay in the tub as long as you like, or at least until the water is unpleasantly cool or until you’ve realized that you’ve basically spent the last hour or so boiling in a large pot.

When it’s time to say goodbye to your temporary safe haven, pull the stopper. Lie back and feel the water level slowly go down and listen to the sound of water rushing down your bath pipes. Enjoy the sensation of weight gradually returning to your body and your limbs feeling like heavy weights. Yet your body is still warm. Lie there for however long you like, or until you feel a nasty breeze in areas unaccustomed to wind, and then slowly stand up and rinse off the bubbles.

Get out of the bath and repeat as necessary, when you feel overwhelmed and think you deserve to be treated like a queen/king, if at least for one hour.

My own personal playlist:

Xylos – Wrapped in a Page

(for some reason I can’t find this song on Youtube so I’ll just link it here)