me writing this stuff while listening to the songs linked below
I have been feeling tongue-tied on this blog for the past few years – I think it’s because I tried to steer my content towards music and didn’t want personal posts to distract from interviews with artists or concert announcements.
In addition, posting on my blog doesn’t feel the same as it used to, back when I was in high school. For some reason, it felt much more freeing and suspenseful then. These days, I’m a little bit more hesitant to put things out there because I’m more of a private person. I’m still a highly reflective person, but for whatever reason I just prefer to keep all my thoughts inside my head.
I’ve been thinking about why I even started blogging in the first place. Why I chose to put myself out there instead of just write in a journal like I’ve always done. My thought was, maybe what I write will be relatable for someone who reads it.
Honestly, I’m not sure I feel the same way anymore.
I’ve been thinking a lot about life and death recently, and how life is short and unpredictable. I visited my grandpa in China this past year, and saw him for the first time in 3 years or so. The last time I had seen him, he could walk on his own, he was cooking for himself…but while I went on to finish my college courses and all that, he underwent an operation and now requires a caretaker to look over him. He looks so much older than I remember, and seeing him this time around shook me.
It reminded me that life goes on, and change is inevitable. Your grandparents aren’t going to stay the same as they’ve always been. Your parents are getting older every day, too. My relationship with them has transformed significantly over the past few years. I’ve grown up as well, and come to appreciate my relationship with them more than I ever have before.
Even though I’m currently only 22, I’ve been thinking heavily about my life – what I’ve accomplished so far, how I want to spend the rest of my time alive, and life as I currently know it.
Confession: graduating college has been a rather difficult transition. It really shouldn’t be, as my work schedule is pretty manageable and some of my college friends still live around me.
Still, more than half of the people I was accustomed to seeing regularly suddenly left to other parts of the country and world. I only keep in touch with a handful of people, and the rest, I’ve realized, I’ll see once or maybe twice again in my life, if I’m lucky. Otherwise, I’ll watch their lives progress through what they post on social media.
Them, and everyone else I’ve ever known from high school, debate and all of the other friend and social groups I’ve been a part of.
I’m finding that I’m not really the same person I was in college. I don’t listen to the same music, I stay in more, I sleep more, I’m living with a significant other, I’m learning how to own up to responsibilities and build more mature habits…in short, I’m growing up.
My taste is evolving. I am evolving.
I’ve reached the point of my life that I’ve been working towards for 22 years. Everything from preschool until my college graduation has led up until this point. And now that I’m here, I’m like, what’s next?
There’s no prescribed route for me. Everything from here is up to me to decide. And that scares the hell out of me.
The idea with “never stationary” is that I’m constantly changing. Looking back to a month ago, a year ago, five years ago, I’m a totally different person from who I used to be.
Every time I actually take a few seconds to process that, that life only goes in one direction, it makes me very nostalgic. For both the past, and the present.
It’s like that Regina Spektor says in “Small Moon Town”:
“Today we’re younger than we ever gonna be.”
Anyways…I may or may not try to make a comeback on here. Don’t expect too much.
Here is one of my favorite albums of all time!
Cat Zhang 
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You’re not alone in feeling like this, right down to the not knowing what to blog anymore. I’m right there with you. Adulthood is weird. But also wonderful. Wishing you contentment in the moment and a sense of direction for the future!
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Adulthood is weird, but wonderful. Thank you so much for the kind comment :)
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