2:45 Thoughts

Hello internet.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. While that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing, it does mean that I’ve been putting this blog on the back-burner while I run myself haggard trying to keep up with a busier schedule.

It’s tough. I’ve been really sick these last few days, and I haven’t been getting the best of sleep. I’m asking myself right now why I’m not taking care of my physical health. I will, in a few minutes, but first I thought that I’d take care of my mental health.

You know back in 2012 when I was scared that I’d let the blog run me? That I’d lose control and become a slave to procedure and structure and rigidity?

That hasn’t happened yet. I don’t think it will happen. But something similar has happened with my writing relationship, in that I have overstretched myself. These days I feel compelled to crank out sentence after sentence, and half of the time I don’t even read back on what I write. I’m becoming a machine.

I need to refresh! I need to recuperate! I need to write for myself, I need to journal more, because otherwise I lose sight of the big picture and get caught up in little things. I get more easily frazzled and don’t have time to reflect.

It’s 2:51 AM. The best time for deep thoughts. I am currently re-evaluating many things in my life.

College is overwhelming! There are so many things going on around you. You want to try everything and meet everyone and get sad when you can’t.

FOMO (“fear of missing out”) hits us all in different ways. For me, I fear putting off exciting adventures such as walking a considerable distance or take the subway into the city or wake up early on a weekend to do something thought-provoking.

It’s 2:55 AM now. I have class in the morning, and midterms coming up this week. Though I have been stressed, tired, and sick, there is still no place I’d rather be.

I am very satisfied with my experiences so far. The best part about all of this is that we are a community of young people consolidated on a campus, with the collective goal of learning.

What we learn is not very relevant, because we are all pursuing such different futures and goals that it makes no sense to compare ourselves to one another.

I can’t believe I made it to this point in my life! Having discussions that actually make me want to contribute, to sit up on the edge of my seat and cock an ear. Taking classes about topics that actually interest me. Meeting people who make me feel more comfortable about myself than ever. Slowly accepting my body. Being confident enough in myself that I can be on my own if I need to.

The things that mattered most to me in high school have all but dissipated; letting go of those worries is a magical feeling.

Yet, there are some things I miss. I miss going home, where I can forget about all of my peers and go and watch TV in the basement or clean out my closet or bake a pie if I really wanted.

I miss some of the people I knew in high school, who I still technically know but no longer talk to. The saddest thing, when you can’t exactly pinpoint what led two people to stop talking…they just did. These were people from a community that made me feel like I could be whoever I wanted. This community made me confident. And my ties with this community are weakening.

To take what everyone says with a grain of salt, to not come to rely too easily on a single individual, to disregard what everyone thinks and go your own way, to practice what you’re most scared of (impromptu conversations with people)…this life is magical.

Okay, my sleep meds are kicking in. Good night, internet.


This is tonight’s melody:

 

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