Coming home and seeing my parents is always a little surreal, nostalgic and sad.
- surreal because most of my interaction with them now are on the phone so it’s weird coming back and seeing how much our house has changed and all of the new things they’ve bought, and how they prepare for their kids coming home (fresh produce, our favorite foods, etc).
- nostalgic because I’m an “adult” now and everything I’m back, I’m a little more mature/grownup/feel less like a kid. And they have less control over me, which is half nice but also…bittersweet
Earlier tonight I was just standing there for like 5 minutes watching them unpack groceries. Almost wanted to cry.
Lessons learned/realizations had:
- universal truth: there is no universal truth
- time is not linear, it compounds
- even for introverts, relationships/friendships are crucial
- the fact that I am who I am + living at this exact point in time is so special
- what do we crave? attention, acceptance, to be related to, to be comfortable, successful, leave a legacy, to flex, to travel, learn + grow. some vapid, some deep. all culmination in some ultimate form of “happiness” or something that feels like it. fulfillment? purpose? it’s a little different for everyone
I forgot how to be my own person. solitary, independent, driven & also confident. I have lost that confidence through body image issues, career blunders, etc.
And existential crises are hitting hard + mentally paralyzing me. Fear of failure + indecision are stopping me – PREVENTING ME – from making moves. Why, just cuz I’m 23 almost 24?
Ah, a near perfect quarter life crisis.
Inspired through, and working through it. Listening to podcasts, exercising some, eating okay, taking a break from drinking, cleaning more regularly, working hard at my job, being better about friends.
But also consuming way too much junk content online, worrying, being lazy/indecisive/unmotivated. Losing that drive. That thing that pushes you forward. Being influenced + clouded by friends, partner, family, society, my upbringing.
I want to…allocate my time better. Be more intentional with what I want to do.
Key discovery: I hold myself from action more these days than I used to. Why?
FEAR – probably #1. Fear of failure, social embarrassment, parental disapproval, taking a leap without a safety net/instructions, fear of the unknown, the future, the possibility, coming off as basic/tryhard, tying my identity + my life to a project.
but the real question is:
WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE? WHAT IF SOMETHING GOOD COMES OUT OF THIS?
music I’m listening to:
you have pretty dang good taste in music
you have nice eyebrows
you’re good at cooking
you are a great listener
you’re a really fast typer
you’re great at grammar/spelling Continue reading
me writing this stuff while listening to the songs linked below Continue reading
After saying a final goodbye to my friends on Saturday evening, I was sitting in bed in my hotel room, capturing those firefly thoughts that tend to come to me in moments of transition. Continue reading
the act of asking for or trying to obtain something from someone. Continue reading
These songs comprise my musical identity and the personal journey I’ve taken during my time at Northwestern. The songs I screamed and danced along to at concerts, listened to on my 30-minute walk to class, woke up to in my morning Snapchats (if you know, you know)…Making these playlists is one of my favorite traditions. Although the tracks don’t coordinate with the seasons at all, the playlists bring me back to all of the great times I’ve had so far. Continue reading
We’re all going through our own shit. Whether we’re worried about finding a job, finding true love, or finding meaning in our everyday lives, everyone has their own internal struggle. Continue reading
I have almost 175 thousand views on my blog. It’s not a lot, if you do the math. That’s 35,000 per year, a bit less than 3,000 per month, or about 100 per day. Not that impressive. Continue reading
When you start college our parents will officially be empty nesters and you will begin 4 of the most turbulent and formative years of your life. Continue reading
When I finally got my driver’s license senior year, the excitement that came with this newfound privilege and freedom quickly waned as I realized that I would now be responsible for taking my sister, a freshman at the time, to school. Continue reading