12/20/19

Coming home and seeing my parents is always a little surreal, nostalgic and sad.

• surreal because most of my interaction with them now are on the phone so it’s weird coming back and seeing how much our house has changed and all of the new things they’ve bought, and how they prepare for their kids coming home (fresh produce, our favorite foods, etc).
• nostalgic because I’m an “adult” now and everything I’m back, I’m a little more mature/grownup/feel less like a kid. And they have less control over me, which is half nice but also…bittersweet

Earlier tonight I was just standing there for like 5 minutes watching them unpack groceries. Almost wanted to cry.

12/23/19

Lessons learned/realizations had:

• universal truth: there is no universal truth
• time is not linear, it compounds
• even for introverts, relationships/friendships are crucial
• the fact that I am who I am + living at this exact point in time is so special
• what do we crave? attention, acceptance, to be related to, to be comfortable, successful, leave a legacy, to flex, to travel, learn + grow. some vapid, some deep. all culmination in some ultimate form of “happiness” or something that feels like it. fulfillment? purpose? it’s a little different for everyone

1/11/20

I forgot how to be my own person. solitary, independent, driven & also confident. I have lost that confidence through body image issues, career blunders, etc.

And existential crises are hitting hard + mentally paralyzing me. Fear of failure + indecision are stopping me – PREVENTING ME – from making moves. Why, just cuz I’m 23 almost 24?

Ah, a near perfect quarter life crisis.

Inspired through, and working through it. Listening to podcasts, exercising some, eating okay, taking a break from drinking, cleaning more regularly, working hard at my job, being better about friends.

But also consuming way too much junk content online, worrying, being lazy/indecisive/unmotivated. Losing that drive. That thing that pushes you forward. Being influenced + clouded by friends, partner, family, society, my upbringing.

I want to…allocate my time better. Be more intentional with what I want to do.

2/9/20

Key discovery: I hold myself from action more these days than I used to. Why?

FEAR – probably #1. Fear of failure, social embarrassment, parental disapproval, taking a leap without a safety net/instructions, fear of the unknown, the future, the possibility, coming off as basic/tryhard, tying my identity + my life to a project.

but the real question is:

WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE? WHAT IF SOMETHING GOOD COMES OUT OF THIS?

music I’m listening to: