I’ve spent over a year struggling to find the right words…

And then, I thought, why am I putting so much pressure on myself? When I started this blog, it was meant to be a form of self-expression. A place to dump my thoughts, share music I’ve been into, reflect, see if anyone else might relate…it doesn’t need to be a freaking Atlantic article. And goddamnit, we are pressing Publish this time…

I thought I’d take a second to jot down some of my favorite affirmations of late. I have a small journaling habit where I give myself the advice that I long to hear. Here they are:

• Your self worth is not dictated by your job performance
• Don’t sweat the little things, aka will this really matter in 5 years time? Most things don’t.
• Take things one day at a time.
• Self confidence comes from within.

I’m coming up on 9 years in Chicagoland soon, which is absolutely wild to think about. I have gotten to know the city so well.

Is anyone else feeling old as fuck? I’m technically past my physical peak is which so bleak to think about. I have been slightly better in the past year about exercising somewhat consistently though, and starting to dabble in weight training and other stuff which is cool.

Also, people my age are starting to get engaged, get married, buy a house and have kids. I still feel like a goddamn kid most days, I’m not ready for that yet.

But at the same time, it’s become abundantly clear that I’m no longer 22 years old. For SO long, I was terrified about getting older. And it’s still a pretty scary and daunting thing to accept, that time only moves in one direction. There’s this one Regina Spektor song from high school with this one lyric,

Today we’re younger than we’re ever gonna be…

But – as time has passed and I’ve talked here and there with friends, I’m starting to accept and look forward to the fact that I will be turning 30 relatively soon-ish. Like, there’s plenty to look forward to. A lot to experience. It sounds like in your 30’s are your chance to actually, hopefully start living life on your own terms more.

For example, I feel like I drank a good amount in my early twenties primarily due to social pressures. Sure, I still like to have a few shots here and there, but I’m starting to revert back to my more introverted personality from high school where I prefer staying in more than I like going out.

I remember blogging and watching TV on weekends and absolutely thriving. I did often crave something a bit livelier, and I guess college is when I became more outgoing and more social, but my true equilibrium leans towards introversion.

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog post, and that’s okay. A few parting thoughts for tonight…

Not sure about you, but I’ve been feeling particularly overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, etc. lately. Might be due to work stress, the winter blues, some other factors, but here’s what’s helped me curb those feelings:

• journaling, even if only semi-regularly. Every time I check in with myself over paper, I get an opportunity to spill my guts but then re-organize my thoughts. It’s an opportunity to tell myself what I’ve probably been avoiding hearing.
• getting out of the house and getting enough sun. A 15 min walk outdoors will do wonders sometimes…
• Spending quality time with quality people. An abundance of friends is OUT. A select few really really good friends is IN in your late twenties. I think I’ve found my people, even if everyone doesn’t live near me. At some point, I realized that I want to start investing in the friendships and relationships that really matter. The people I feel comfortable really being myself around, ya know?

I hope I get a chance to paint sometime soon. I really miss it, even though the supplies are sitting in the closet. I’m just too lazy to get them out. Out of sight, out of mind…

Okay well, hopefully more to come soon. In the meantime, check out these songs…