Shoulda Woulda Coulda Gotten Mad
I should get mad more often. I should blow up in public and scream at people and throw coffee and break vases. At the very least, I should confront my problems a little bit more…and yet I don’t.
Some people deal with their anger through holding grudges. They’re passive aggressive towards people who anger them; they don’t say anything about what they’re upset about, but it’s clear that something is wrong from their behavior.
Others are very outspoken. They say whatever is on their mind, often without considering the negative repercussions; the feelings they might hurt, the confidences they might dent.
I deal with my resentment in a deleterious way.
First, I don’t. I tend to not confront people that I’m upset with. But I’m never passive aggressive; I only take my feelings and shove them into the corner of my soul, and I act as though nothing is wrong, and that nothing has changed. And so many conflicts never get addressed, and one of two things will start to happen.
Either my frustration will grow at an exponential rate, or I’ll think rationally about the situation and decide that my irritation has no foundation, no rational reasoning. In the first situation, I’ll become continually upset to the point of no return, and a relationship might be in trouble. Technically, nothing happens, but something always ends up happening, indirectly. My somewhat hostile (yet not totally obvious) behavior might come off as alienating, and someone might get mad at me.
In the second example, I’ll prematurely say things that I don’t mean. But then I’ll think about the whole situation. I’ll put things in context and I’ll put things in perspective and might just decide that I was having a bad day. There are always people who are fighting battles that I know nothing about, that provide a condonable excuse for their behavior. And thus, I’ll forgive and forget. Or rather, I’ll forgive (to an extent) but I won’t forget. And these sentiments might just build up on each other and the whole process starts again, to the point that the whole relationship ends up like the first scenario.
So in the long run, this is a bad habit. I should get mad more often. I would, but I just don’t know how to properly approach these sort of situations. I could try it, but I’m not at the point where I’m comfortable taking these sort of risks. If there’s a possibility of reconciliation, I’ll try to suppress my erratic (and often irrational) feelings.
I think I should venture out of my comfort zone. Get mad at people more often, ya know? I might finally blow up at people for things that I’ve never forgiven and finally get over it. Who knows…steaming could be healthy.