21st Century Crushes


The 21st century crush will be defined by screenshotted conversations sent to our best friends, catfishing, and a computer screen of security, which might become the only way two individuals feel comfortable communicating.

The inability of text to demonstrate emotion will make the effective communication of sarcasm very difficult, and we will start to rely on emojis and text lingo to bridge that gap lol :P

It will begin with a thorough stalking of their Facebook profile. The first thing you’ll check is their relationship status; you will find that the majority of boys that are FBO in a relationship are actually in a relationship, whereas females tend to join domestic partnerships with friends all the time.

Then you’ll go through all of their Facebook pictures, from last week to the awkward junior high dance of 2009. Do they party? What do they do in their free time? What should I expect?

Then you’ll go to their main page to observe how active they are. When was the last update? February 2014?! How do they type, what do they post about, or do they even post at all?

As inaccurate as online profiles are about a person, we all feel compelled to follow someone’s online life especially if we are crushing on them, because you’re not at the level where they’ll be sharing everything with you.

Then you’ll acquire their number. Somehow.

You’ll begin texting, and you’ll soon discover their individual texting habits, like how do they type? (liek dis?) How fast do they reply? Will they ever send the infamous “K”?

What kind of texting is your crush into? Are they into deep conversations, or is texting merely a medium for making plans to meet up in person?

Eventually you’ll actually start hanging out with your crush (hopefully).

Do they use their phone when they’re with you? Will they take – – – a few seconds to reply to your question because they’re – – – hold on, texting a friend.

Do they insist on taking a picture? Pics, or it didn’t happen. Some people feel the need to document everything in their life, and post it on social media as if to say, “look at me! I did something cool today! I have friends!”

Maybe you’ll even have late night phone calls.

In your call log are three missed calls from mom, a voicemail from your best friend, the occasional call from dad, and now, your crush, though soon you might be calling him/her your “boo”.

How do they do phone calls? Some might insist on calling you when they’re in the car and need someone to talk to on their drive. Some just might not call, and you might have to always hit the call button first.

Over time, you might create a custom ringtone for them, right around the time you tell all of your friends, so I guess you could say it’s getting pretty serious. Coincidence?

But then, it will fade. It always does, unless you plan on getting married or something.

You’ll post a new instapic and wonder, how come they didn’t give it a thumbs up? How come they haven’t favorited my tweets recently?

You’ll head to Snapchat. Gasp! I’m no longer their number 1! Who the heck is honey_bunny_95??

You’ll compare your dwindling relationship to the falling action in a romance novel, or a rom-com, or a famous pop song, all of which, by the way, create deceptively unrealistic expectations for us about what love in the 21st century is like. Rather, they very accurately depict what we all want our relationships and crushes to be.

When your ego is feeling pretty busted, you’ll download the Tinder app (again!), which is basically a sketchier and shallower version oof OkCupid or EHarmony, swiping left and right like there’s no tomorrow, because this app is designed to boost the ego and make a person think that their only worth is derived entirely off of their physical appearance.

A few months later, when your original crush has all but faded from memory, you’ll have found a new crush to text, or pose in pictures with.

You’ll be doing your endless scroll through social media one afternoon, when you’ll stop on a picture of them with another girl leaning on them. You’ll stop your scrolling momentarily to stare at the picture for a few seconds, before, blink blink, you continue on with your endless scroll.

Hey, how come no one writes books about long-distance relationships? You’ll never hear a Nicholas Spark book titled The Last Text, or The GChat Conversation. 

It’s because a book about LDRs would be boring as hell, as would a movie or a song. People want physical interaction, and dates that don’t take place in different timezones.

This is why no one from Generation X understands why, or how we do this. It’s a cultural phenomenon. We’re a cultural phenomenon.

(the title of this post is a play off of a Thought Catalog post that is very different from what I ended up writing…)

Music suggestion by my friend Josh:

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