I haven’t started college yet.
I am lonely, and I am bored. It seems as though everyone else has moved on to bigger and better things, and I’m still here, with every recent conversation going like this:
Person: Where are you going to college?
Person: Awesome! Are you excited? It gets so cold up there!
Me: Yes, I spent a small fortune on winter gear.
Right now, college to me is just an illusion, a heavily-loaded word that evokes emotion, creates potential, and arouses hope.
My four month summer has stretched lengths in existence, and I have spent much of it lazying around in Atlanta.
I’ve met up with high school friends one last time before it goes terminally awkward. Even those that have been in college for three freaking weeks have already started to falter in communication. Oh well, I don’t blame them. They’ve moved away, moved up, and moved on, and I’m still…here.
It’s most difficult because everyone else seems to be having an awesome time joining sororities and frats, living independently, and meeting new people. I have not been exposed to a learning environment in months, let alone a large community of young people.
I feel left out of the loop. I feel like everyone’s keeping a huge secret from me, that I have to wait until next week to find out.
Back in December, when I was waiting on my decision to come back, I wrote:
But the blurred image of // a mystery future in my head // will be a little clearer than it was yesterday – You are not alone
Often, I wonder, what will college be like? More importantly, what will I be like once I finally arrive? I don’t know the campus, or what my dorm looks like, who my friends will be, or which classes I’ll take.
Knowing which college I’d be attending made the future a bit more clear, providing me with a setting upon which I could daydream. Still, the future is undecided, open, and nearly limitless.
I ask my peers if they will re-invent themselves in college. It’s a vague word, and can entail a complete makeover, or merely an attitude adjustment. I’ve made a conscious decision to do so when I start, because it’s (super cliche) a new start.
But then I realized that there are some issues with this conclusion. First: it’s not about re-inventing yourself for college, but rather, allowing yourself to change in college. Thus, let college change you.
Second: re-invention is not based on recreating your identity for others. It’s about changing for the better, for yourself.
Expect an updated reflection a few weeks after the quarter finally starts.
Northwestern…I’m coming for you.