You are not alone: a monologue about college decisions
People are finding out about their colleges and
on one hand, I am so happy for them.
But at the same time, I want to rip my hair out
Because I have hallucinated 6 times today
Cruelly rejected myself 3 times and
Twice ecstatically accepted myself and
Once cold-bloodedly deferred myself.
Tomorrow seems to be a path with two forks in the road
leading in opposite directions.
All I can do is imagine.
There’s nothing I can do to help myself
but wish and wish
My parents pray but I pray to no one
This one is just me, and my fate is already sealed
I see so many reasons they could accept me
but also so many reasons to reject me
If it’s a yes tomorrow, it’s a yes for the next four years.
Otherwise it’s another hopeless wandering for a few more weeks
while I continue to bite the skin around my nails
What I’ll be doing, I still won’t know
But the blurred image of
a mystery future in my head
will be a little clearer than it was yesterday
I can’t decide how to act, how to feel, how to think
I want to be an optimist but I hate getting my hopes up
I’ve imagined getting the email so many times now it’s unbearable
I’ve imagined where I’d be as I’m reading it,
how I’d act, how many times I’d cry my water weight in tears
Door 1 or 2, I don’t know which one I’ll walk through or what will be behind the door,
But I see the doors, tomorrow I’m scheduled to walk through one
In the meantime, I’m tearing myself down and
preparing myself for anything
building myself a suit of armor.
Hey YOU! Yeah you, you stressed out, angsty high school senior with admissions decisions looming in the dark. This was me, yesterday afternoon as I was anticipating college decisions. And I got mine this afternoon. Never mind if it was a yes or no, please just know that you are not alone, that we are all freaking out like this inside of our heads, no matter how calm and composed we might seem. Some of us are better at hiding it than others.