You are not alone: a monologue about college decisions

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People are finding out about their colleges and

on one hand, I am so happy for them.

But at the same time, I want to rip my hair out

Because I have hallucinated 6 times today

Cruelly rejected myself 3 times and

Twice ecstatically accepted myself and

Once cold-bloodedly deferred myself.

Tomorrow seems to be a path with two forks in the road

leading in opposite directions.

All I can do is imagine.

There’s nothing I can do to help myself

but wish and wish

My parents pray but I pray to no one

This one is just me, and my fate is already sealed

I see so many reasons they could accept me

but also so many reasons to reject me

If it’s a yes tomorrow, it’s a yes for the next four years.

Otherwise it’s another hopeless wandering for a few more weeks

while I continue to bite the skin around my nails

What I’ll be doing, I still won’t know

But the blurred image of

a mystery future in my head

will be a little clearer than it was yesterday

I can’t decide how to act, how to feel, how to think

I want to be an optimist but I hate getting my hopes up

I’ve imagined getting the email so many times now it’s unbearable

I’ve imagined where I’d be as I’m reading it,

how I’d act, how many times I’d cry my water weight in tears

and…I’m in.

and…I’m out.

Door 1 or 2, I don’t know which one I’ll walk through or what will be behind the door,

But I see the doors, tomorrow I’m scheduled to walk through one

In the meantime, I’m tearing myself down and

preparing myself for anything

building myself a suit of armor.

Hey YOU! Yeah you, you stressed out, angsty high school senior with admissions decisions looming in the dark. This was me, yesterday afternoon as I was anticipating college decisions. And I got mine this afternoon. Never mind if it was a yes or no, please just know that you are not alone, that we are all freaking out like this inside of our heads, no matter how calm and composed we might seem. Some of us are better at hiding it than others.

3 comments

  1. Pingback: Introducing my new series: “Sophomore Spotlight” | Catherine Zhang
  2. Pingback: A Pre-College Reflection: I Am Lonely and Bored | Catherine Zhang
  3. Pingback: Seven Final Thoughts about Senior Year (Graduation Edition) | Never Stationary

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