Tagged: thoughts

Guest Post: 0200

yes
I can’t sleep. When I lie in bed at night, it’s like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to not be doing in order to go to bed. Thoughts become a flash flood that was never on the forecast, and I was the poor soul that went camping by the riverside.
Thought 1. The One that Escaped.
The first thing that struck me was how breathtakingly pretty she was. There was a sense of elegance to her, one that was hidden behind her expressionless face. She and I had a lot more in common than I had ever anticipated. Music taste, favorite food, life philosophy, there was nothing that we disagreed about. We grew closer, but with such limited time. College meant that I had to say goodbye to her in three weeks, and I didn’t want to put her through a relationship with an expiration date. I have a date with her tomorrow, although neither of us will call it that. But I know she loves me as much as I do, and maybe, just maybe, if I had some time for us to grow, and got more time to ourselves, we would end our date with me pulling her towards me, her eyes closed in anticipation–

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I Sort of Cringe When I Reread Old Posts

Featured picture is somewhat irrelevant but I just like cats, so.

 

I’ve always tried to be very strict with myself concerning this blog.

I make spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. It’s true.

It will be very early in the morning and I will be doing the Daily Prompt.

It could be very late at night (maybe 2:33 AM) and I could be just writing furiously about who knows what.

Sometimes, it’s not really about whether you watch your comma splices and run-ons; whether or not you spell it “principle” or “principal” can be almost irrelevant. Sometimes, it’s more about the vocabulary that you choose to use.

Gossamer.

Malaise.

Rustic.

Coterie.

Vesuviate.

Sometimes, even the vocabulary that you pick becomes negligible and it’s more about the raw thoughts that you manage to capture in ink.

So excuse me if sometimes I let a run-on slip past me; please forgive the occasional spelling error that arises from my rushing to write down every image that enters my mind!

Now that I’ve admitted my problems, I’ll also acknowledge that the way that I conduct this blog is very specific, and it is very severe.

I have reread my previous posts time and time again. Some are well-written – clearly dictated, flowing smoothly, and precisely opinionated.

Others though? They sound childish. They sound…incomplete. Some are biased and written from one point of view – and it could be quite obvious if you read it for yourself.

Some have spelling errors. Some have places that don’t make sense because I probably forgot to actually type a word.

Confession: I actually don’t proofread many of my posts. Is that bad?

Revision is good, that is for sure. But if you’re racing against the clock minutes before the start of class, is it acceptable to just click Publish and let your words make their way into cyberspace, for anyone who wants to read it?

I suppose. I could be stricter with the editing and revising that I do for my posts, but what I lack in pre-publishing I make up in post-publishing.

I won’t touch my previous posts. I won’t fix the spelling errors and grammatical faults, but they aren’t much of a slap to the face.

Rather, they are an indication of who I was at a particular time. I will force myself NOT to add pictures to posts without any (the first 10 or so, before I made the homepage centered about the images attached to a post). I will force myself not to go back and change my opinion. I won’t delete a post without any legitimate reasoning. I won’t be ashamed of the things that I’ve written, as long as they are arbitrarily respectful to anyone who chooses to read this blog.

I’ll keep everything the same – the picture, the content, the tags, the title.

To go along with the theme, this blog is Never Stationary. It is also never stationary. It is constantly changing, and I want to keep everything that I write in the past to document my progress. I think that in general, the only trend that this blog will show is improvement. Improvement of what, you ask?

Vocabulary. Cohesiveness of thoughts. Appropriate length. Relatability (actually just made up that word). Etc. etc. etc. Oh and of course, the occasional grammar/spelling error. Logistics.

Today, before I posted this, I skimmed it quickly and read it aloud to myself. Yay! Progress!

It Is So Easy To Hate People

Internet Explorer Girl’s face???/Different personalities, yo.

They’re just a speckle among the sea of people you know, the rest of which you feel passionate, neutral, ambivalent, or just plain indifferent about.

They’re not aware that you “hate” them, so they don’t try to defend themselves.

That, or they’re 100% aware and have reciprocated the hatred.

But in any case, I don’t think we should hate people anymore.

Hi. I’m Catherine, and I’m an extreme categorizer.

If you ask me about a person, I have a tendency to immediately blurt out whether or not I love them or hate them. Very rarely am I able to distinguish them as someone in between.

But I’ve given it a lot of thought (as well as love and reflection) and I’ve come to conclude that it’s not healthy to categorize people into extremes. You can’t 100% love or hate someone.

I used to categorize everyone I knew. Lately, I’ve made a huge effort to no longer categorize people, and to recognize them as what they are: human. Like me. Human.

It’s more detrimental to arbitrarily hate someone.

You think you hate them, but you probably don’t.

See, we are each our own person. The only things we know are what we see and what we hear. Both are never 100% accurate; both are obscured by our own predispositions and personal biases. Who are we to assume that we know everything about the people we supposedly hate? We have absolutely no stable foundation to base our hatred off of.

I am not an angel, you are not the devil. We are a combination of both. I would even go as far to say that I am not more angel than devil, and you are not more devil than angel. We’re probably equal in our angelic/devilish proportions, but we just evaluate these sorts of measurements in different ways. You shouldn’t hate someone for “sinning” differently than you.

Maybe you think you hate them because you two are just so different. You have completely different morals, backgrounds, opinions, perspectives, goals, and methods of achieving these goals. None of these disparities constitutes as a character flaw. They are character differences, and there’s nothing you can do about them. So, what to do at this point? Sometimes, opposites attract and live in harmony. Otherwise, it takes a bit of experimenting and suffering to realize that two personalities really don’t mix well. In the saddest of situations, people never realize that they are just suited to be companions, and lead unhappy relationships.

But what makes one lifestyle superior to another? Aren’t any reasons that you try to give completely arbitrary?

I also think part of the problem has to do with the media. Yes, we are constantly criticizing the media for destroying the beneficial aspects of human nature and yet, this has become somewhat of a blanket indict. The media is not totally evil. In this instance however, the media helps to spread these ideas that if two people have conflicts, someone is wrong and someone is right. The best example I can provide would be these things I see on Tumblr all day, everyday.

They’re always like:

“The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.”

Well, they’re inspiring, are they not? They’re effective, aren’t they? If taken seriously, they manage to keep one person from engaging in a conflict of some sort and “being the better person” or “being more mature” or “letting it go”. But these messages are also somewhat misleading. Don’t they make it seem like whoever reads these positive messages is the victim of some horrible bullying, and that the “bully” is wrong, insecure, misguided, etc. Of course, these messages are true – to an extent. There are definitely people out there that don’t treat others well, More often than not, this is really not the case; the real root of the problem arises from personality differences. And again, there’s nothing you can do about them.

Life’s Extremes

The days are gaining speed – they pass like seconds

And you and I? We’re laughing about a not-so-serious matter

And it seems like we could conquer the world

And the future seems optimistic and innocent

My mom starts to warn me about life’s extremes

But I go to sleep hopeful but wickedly unassuming.

 

But then the days start slowing down – they drag like a limp leg

And you and I? We’re hostile and confused but we don’t know it

And it seems like the world is testing us, pushing us to our limits

And the future seems bleak and unappealing

I start to wonder about life’s extremes

And I go to sleep exhausted and unhappy.

 

The days – they’ve almost reached their correct proportions

And you and i? we’re on and off, up and down

And it seems like we’re both decent human beings

And the future seems like two diverging paths, one for the each of us

I start to disregard the way I categorize people and things – not anymore with these extremes

And I go to sleep thoughtful and more wise than I was when I woke up that morning.

 

The days – they’re long but bearable

You and I? We’re humanly incompatible

And it seems like we’ve finally found our places

And the future seems finally understood, finally determined

And I start to get what my mom meant about life’s extremes

And I go to sleep, enlightened, to some extent.

 

And then things change, life happens, and the cycle starts again – but neither of us realizes it.

On Happy Endings

Ideal happy ending, based on my childhood. Not in this real world though.

Daily Prompt: “And they lived happily ever after.” Think about this line for a few minutes. Are you living happily ever after? If not, what will it take for you to get there?

First of all, who is “they”? Right now, it just seems like it’s just me. Alone, but not lonely. Alone, not in the sense that I have no friends or people who love me, but in the sense that this year has been full of reflection time and I’ve changed so much over the last couple of months that I feel totally different. My priorities and my perspectives have shifted. There seems to be just one dominant voice in my head (mine) echoing in a collection of thoughts. Sometimes I get semi-paranoid because it’s just my opinion, distorted and volatile.

Am I living happily ever after? Well, my story isn’t finished yet. I’m just at the beginning of what I hope will be a long, fulfilling life. I’m still in high school, which I always regard as just a stepping-stone in my life. Metaphorically, my decisions will decide whether or not I stay on the correct path. At least, that’s what it seems like. The pressures of high school are starting to get to me. Everywhere, people emphasize that the trivial choices I make everyday determine who I am in the future, especially where I go to college.

It saddens me somewhat that so much of what we do in our teenage years impacts our future. Who are we, hormonal, moody teens? Do we know what we want, or do we just listen to what others tell us? How do we get there? What if we aren’t mature enough to discipline ourselves to reach our personal goals? And even if we eventually come to realize the big picture and the “objective,” what happens if we don’t take a step back soon enough? What if we’re too late?

All around me I see burnt-out people. People who don’t have any motivation or inspiration to do what they love. It seems like we’ve all been brainwashed into mindless, emotionless robots. Okay, exaggerating slightly. No doubt we all have our aspirations and our passions, and I question whether or not these zeals are valid or just hopeful, childish wishing, but in doing a little risk calculus, a lot of people decide not to invest too much in activities that might not work out in the long run.

I think a lot of them COULD work though, provided that it’s a mature, rational passion. Does such a thing even exist though? Who knows. I certainly don’t.

We should be more daring.

THIS. IS. DARING.

^What do you think I’m referring to though?

Happy endings, right. “Happily ever after.” My opinion? No, I’m not at that stage yet. Maybe I’m veering off that path a tad bit as well, distracted by everyday problems and immature desires. What it will take me to get there? A whole lot of discipline, reflection, and sacrifice.

We’ll get there soon enough.

We Are All Alone

The picture can be somewhat misleading; being alone doesn’t have to be a sad occasion!

They say that when you’re suffering, there’s someone out there that feels your pain. They say these things to calm us down when we throw tantrums about the difficulty of our life and the uniqueness of our dilemmas. True, maybe someone else has had similar situations as you have, but in the end, really and truly, we are all alone.

Sometimes I wish I could just sit down with someone in a quiet and lonely corner, and tell them my life story. If only we could sit there for hours and I could tell the story of my parents, and how they grew up and moved to America, and then how I was born. To truly understand someone, you have to start before Day 1 of their life. You have to start at Day -1000, because there was a chain of events leading up to their birth that influenced their life, no doubt. Life isn’t just one microsecond after another; rather, it is a collection of events that influence each other in ways that no one is able to predict or comprehend.

I’d start with the story of my parents, and then talk about my childhood and what kind of environment I grew up. I can’t afford to skip over whole YEARS of my life like Charlotte Bronte did in Jane Eyre, because each seemingly insignificant moment has led up to today. Rather, I’d have to go into extreme detail about the time I was in pre-school and “accidentally” keyed my mom’s car by etching my name into the side, spelling it incorrectly. Id’ have to explain as well as I can how I’ve often thought back to that day and felt guilty. I’d tell everything there is to tell a person in the timespan of an afternoon and still, I would not be done. I’d still have to expound on my political views and my taste in music, and still, I wouldn’t be halfway there.

After an afternoon passes, I doubt this person would even have a clue what kind of person I really am.

No one knows what goes through our heads. You can use every word in the English dictionary to try to describe what you’re feeling, but ultimately you are the only one who can experience exactly what you are feeling. Everything, whenever we attempt to communicate with others, is misperceived and wrongly interpreted. Each person is his or her own self, and when we try to express our feelings, there will always be crucial details omitted for the sake of not embarrassing oneself, etc.

It’s a sad feeling, no? Realizing that no one around you understands what you’re going through, not even your twin sister, or your closest friend. We are born into this world with our mind alone, and that’s how we leave it.

This sort of miscommunication is the cause of many conflicts. Making a choice that you feel in your gut is the right choice might not seem like the best choice for someone else, and that sort of disagreement sparks all sorts of problems. When someone that you thought understood and agreed with you completely takes a separate path, you feel betrayal and confusion. You’re upset because they ended up deciding something different, deviating from your usual mutual agreement.

But I have a kindred spirit!, you say. Maybe it seems like it. But ultimately, a conflict will come between the two of your and drive you apart. There are no kindred spirits. There are no soul-mates and no perfect other-halves. But it’s not the end of the world. Humanity has survived without understanding each other; our ability to communicate has skyrocketed since our first days on earth. As long as we are able to get general points across, total communication is not necessary to survive.